tiny is going to die. tiny is going to die. tiny is going to die. no matter how many times i say it to myself or out loud, it just doesn't sound quite right. like it's something happening to someone else, not very possible. like a really bad joke, only it isn't. tiny, is going to die.
if we're lucky, we've got five more years. if not, well then. i guess i always knew in some corner of my brain that one day she would have to go, but that's pretty much where that thought remained - in that hidden corner, unacknowledged, ignored. and to actually be given a tangible time frame, to finally be made to face up to the fact that you don't really have forever, God, it's pretty damn Awful.
now she's just got the occasional cough and still looks fit as a fiddle, but soon that will change. she will be listless, lethargic, edema-ish, in discomfort - all those things that come with congestive heart failure. she's on daily pills and a brand new HD diet, constant reminders that she's not well, that her time's ticking away. it frightens me. i think it frightens me more now, because i know "congestive heart failure" isn't just a term made up by doctors to scare; because i actually know what is expected to happen, is happening to my dog right now. i know congestive heart failure is a degenerative disease; i know the meds will only slow down the deteriotation, not cure it. i know it's not going to be easy for her. and that hurts.
today we were at the vet, and tiny freaked out and tried to run away. she was terrified for the entire time (which was prolonged because we'd turned up at the wrong branch due to some miscommunication and had to take a walk-in queue number) and i was just thinking how the hell is she going to cope with the many more reviews and stuff to come? and btw, one of the staff there totally pissed me off. since we were at the wrong clinic, i asked if i could just see the vet at the clinic we were at, and evil woman rolled her fed up eyes and was basically being damn unpleasant. HELLO? are you blind or something? my dog was bloody shivering on the floor and obviously traumatised at having to see the vet and you want me to load her up in the van and bring her to Another Clinic?!! lady, you've seriously got your priorities wrong okay. in a pet clinic, i expect my pet's welfare to come first. i don't care if you have to make that extra call to cancel the appointment on the other side and retrieve my dog's records. it's not like i wanted to jump the queue or anything so just save the attitude. you want to work in a pet clinic, you jolly well put your patients first. if not, just screw off alright? you go try facing someone like yourself on the day you get told your dog is going to die and you tell me how it feels. bitch. AND then, when dispensing medicine she just basically mumbled her way through the instructions and when i wanted to ask her something she just did her old roll fed up eyes routine and gave me a totally irrelevant answer. then when she realised she wasn't answering my question, she didn't even have the courtesy to apologise and just barked out some unhelpful nonsense. totally unpleasant woman. GAHH to her. okay that was a damn long bitch about insignificant woman i hope i never have to speak with her again.
whatever. me and my dog, we're going to show that bitch that we're not going to give up without a fight. we'll show her that one day without her bloody medicine, we'll still be right as rain, and happy at that. i love my tiny phua. i've loved her since the moment i met her eyes as she lay on the the table in the cramped printing room in sn. i loved her when she hid under the shoe rack and i thought she was lost and i loved her when i saw that little black nose emerge from there when i was putting on my school shoes and i loved her when that tiny bundle crawled into my lap. i loved her even when she threw her temper tantrums, i loved her when she was a rascal, i loved her when she had that hormone problem and was peeing all over the floor. God, i love her. and maybe we can't have forever, but i really just want a little more now. just normal days, good or bad, any day at all. just a day with her in it. just a day.
if you have a minute, please keep her in your prayers?
